When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened. —Stephanie Chapman, When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. hundreds of times. Why did the old man fall in the well? CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north. 15. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. 18. A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair.” A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either.” —Agnes Scharenbroch. —Mimi Wright. I have no jokes at alll how boring I am. My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. He had locomotives. I love a good joke, especially one that can actually be shared with people when it’s laughs that they seek. So, for the crucial moments when you want to create a little hehe-haha, here are 50 jokes from around the web (not my jokes)  that’ll get the job done for you. You'll have to prove it. Anonymous. Read our List of Funny Jokes and our Funny Pick Up Lines. My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. Submit your writing to be published on Thought Catalog. Everyone loves witty jokes. Settle in: You're in the right place. “I served in Korea,” said Uncle Jerry. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. Why is Peter Pan always flying? The old mentor pages through some of his dusty books and finally identifies the disorder as a rare, China-specific venereal disease, the only cure for w. A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. Have you experienced tender, swollen bumps, either on or under your skin, that may produce foul-smelling liquid and scarring? Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana. I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. 1. “Oh, relax. What is a sea monster’s favorite snack? Run!” His companion laughs at him. Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? On the other end was an obscene phone caller. “Don’t you... Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? You boil the hell out of it. She seemed surprised. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. The first month of dating is just the guy saying "What?! It scares the hell out of their dogs. Tooth-hurtie. cheese." 19 Answers. Know how I can tell? “I’m a man of the cloth. Daisy March 3, 2013, 11:03 am. Is there any way to make that happen?” Billy nodded. Why aren't koalas actual bears? Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? SUPPLIES! How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? They take the physco path. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. Without her, man is nothing.” —Susan Allen. Customer: Do you have jogging shorts? ... dairyman be a cowboy? It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. I loved the dress that I bought at a flea market. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10. We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for... My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. Because they’re really good at it. —Heidi Berg. 6. A maybe. I handed her the penny. Ahead, we've rounded up the funniest silly jokes everyone will love. We recommend our users to update the browser. A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. Put more on people please ! They got six months each. Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase. “Don’t you hear the rattle?” —Steve Smith. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any. Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah? It makes cows go completely insane!". 14. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix. “Look at that. You probably know some good jokes. My granddaughter’s husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his... What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? What did the traffic light say to the car? ... cabinetmaker be the president? Well, they're not laughing now! “No, he just ran out of gas.” Dad was quite pleased with himself over that one. Because it was two tired! He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. Because he's only got little legs. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game... My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? These kind of jokes always make me laugh a little, if you don't get it at first.. think about it! 7. And a chair. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. "I stand corrected!" I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. New Parent Idea: What has three letters and starts with gas. She still isn't talking to me. — Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 10, 2014. Scene: A sports store. I don't know but he won't be long... Why do fish live in salt water? —Beverly Gross. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. So, for the crucial moments when you want to create a little hehe-haha, here are 50 jokes from around the web (not my jokes) that’ll get the job done for you. “What’s this for?” I asked. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when... Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents, “I’m only taking this class so I don’t eat for an hour.”, “Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?”, “Does this body make me look fat?” —Mark Garvey. Why is England the wettest country? In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an... “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author, I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. “I’m looking forward to that!” —Mona Randem. What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. Fo’ drizzle. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. “Oh!” I shouted. The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" You have plenty of time.” —Jack Girard. I’ll go on ahead. Dedicated to your stories and ideas. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no one thinks you’re funny.” —Nedra Cawley. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home. Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Right where you left it. Has anyone in your family been diagnosed with HS or experienced HS symptoms? “Oh, relax. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? How fast were you planning on going? So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere. Do *not* read it! Run!” His companion laughs at him. Ahead, we've rounded up the funniest silly jokes everyone will love.

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